Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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