bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
