You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
