I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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