I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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