Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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