I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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