I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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