3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
