Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
