Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
