My girlfriend figured out who you are.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
