I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We are all done wearing pants today
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
