Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
