omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
