Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
