I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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