O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
