Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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