he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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