she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
