I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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