Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
