If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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