how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
