I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
