I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
