I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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