i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
