It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
