her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
