i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish I only lived at night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
