All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
