Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
