the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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