I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
