Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
