4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he wants to bone in the snuggie
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
