if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
