You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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