I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
