imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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