How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
