THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
