Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
