I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
