You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
