the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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