just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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