I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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