I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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